


Behind the Scenes of HGTV's Top-Rated Shows!

by swagnushammersmith



Series: 50,000 Words [3]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, HGTV - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Five Stages of Grief, HGTV, HGTV AU, HGTV Dream Home, M/M, NaNoWriMo, Pining Natasha, Pining Steve Rogers, Romance, Self-Indulgent, tags to be added as the story updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-08-29 16:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8497141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swagnushammersmith/pseuds/swagnushammersmith
Summary: HGTV!AU of Marvel Characters. Tags and summary will be updated as new chapters are added.    Chapter 1: SamBucky House Flippers Chapter 2: Steve/Logan House Crashers Chapter 3: "I SAW STEVE ROGERS MAKIN OUT IN MY BATHROOM" Chapter 4: NatSharon House Hunters Part of a line-up of stories written for NaNoWriMo.





	1. House Flips by Wilson and Barnes

**Author's Note:**

> You've heard of Food Network AUs, now get ready for.... HGTV AUs. I'm surprised this isn't more of a thing!
> 
> Thanks to [The_LionHeart](http://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lionheart/pseuds/The_Lionheart) for betaing!

@HGBB: Don’t worry America, me & @HGTVWilson will be gracing your TV screens soon enough. Gearing up to film the new season!

 

One of HGTV’s highest rated shows was inarguably _House Flips by Wilson and Barnes_. This was due to a few reasons:

 

1\. Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes were damn good at their job. A house flipped by them was the equivalent of a coveted art piece; as soon as they put a listing on the market, it took a week at most for an offer to be put up.  
  
2.The show fit in with the wholesome vibe of the rest of the channel’s line-up. Sam and Bucky had a dynamic of playfully arguing over whose design ideas were better. And while some days the arguments were more serious than not, their ideas always melded beautifully.  
  
3.It was indisputable that Sam and Bucky were attractive as fuck. HGTV gained a whole new demographic outside of mothers in their late 20s to mid forties from their show alone. Not to mention the amount of social media attention Sam, Bucky, and the network got every time they “tested out” a pool in a house they flipped. They did it mainly to goof off, but Bucky and Sam weren’t oblivious to the effect they had on the ratings every time they got shirtless and wet.

 

Bucky was pumped to start filming the new season of _House Flips_. His time off season was spent searching for a new home, and then renovating it. Renovating houses was significantly less stressful and lower stakes when it wasn’t your own home. He was sick of dealing with contractors taking their sweet-ass time so that he could pay them more, and pestering him to get a gig for them on HGTV. That was _not_ how Bucky operated.

 

He’d be glad to work with Sam again. He was more comfortable leading projects with Sam. While Bucky dealt better with the construction side of things, Sam was stronger in the design part. And that’s why they worked so well together. They were a perfect balance.

 

However, it seemed, all it took was one phone call to throw a wrench into that balance. 

 

“Can you say that again? Because I’m pretty sure I misheard you,” Bucky said. 

 

The producer on the other end of the line sighed. “I’m sorry, James, but the HGTV Dream Home demands a good designer this year, not to mention that at least one person from a top-rated show on the network should be leading the project. Sam is someone that fits both of those bills.”

 

“Why couldn’t they get Pepper from _Love It Or List It_? She’s a damn good designer on a budget, just imagine what she can do for the Dream Home!”

 

“She was the first pick, but unfortunately they’re in the middle of filming right now, and it would not be worth the effort to find another designer for their show on a short notice.” Bucky grumbled. “We already contacted Sam and he said that he trusts you to head projects alone when filming starts.”

 

Bucky wanted to fight this like a petulant child, “buts” and all. Sadly, he knew there was nothing that he could do. Stupid HGTV Dream Home. Stupid Sam and his stupid amazing design skills.

 

“Okay, fine,” he conceded, rubbing his face. “Do they know how long it’s going to take?” Of course Bucky knew how long it took to build a house. He just wanted a good estimate of exactly how long he’d have to go without Sam. Maybe he could spend that time looking for a good property to work on. Wouldn’t that be a hilarious montage to film for the cameras. Actually, no, it wouldn’t.

 

“Ten weeks, give or take a few weeks,” the producer said. “That’s roughly the time it takes for a house to be flipped, so I’m sure you’ll be fine by yourself.”

 

“Yeah, thanks. Talk to you soon.” Bucky clicked the “end call” button, and immediately went to his text messages.

 

_Thanks so much for your confidence in my abilities that you’d just abandon me like this. :)_

 

Send.

 

A response came not a minute later.

 

**Try not to go through the five stages of grief on camera, mkay? I’ll be back before you know it.**

 

_Yeah, whatever. Have fun with the Dream Home._

 

\---

 

**Stage One: Denial**

 

Filming for episode one of the new season was about to start. Bucky was stood against a simple backdrop of trees at a local park to record the introduction for the episode.

 

“Are we ready?” the cameraman asked.

 

“Yeah, good to go,” Bucky said, giving the thumbs up.

 

“We’re rolling in five, four, three…” A silent hand motion signalled “two, one,” and Bucky took his cue.

 

“Welcome to _House Flips by Wilson and Barnes_!” Bucky started. “Now, you may notice that my counterpart Sam isn’t here with us. That’s because he’s working on a _very special project_ right now, but we can have some fun without him! Let’s go!”

 

The house Bucky had bought (all by himself) was a 3 bedroom/3 bathroom unit, and was quite the steal, at $200,000. He could turn a profit from this, easily.

 

\---

 

**Stage Two: Anger**

 

“What the fuck is going on here?” Bucky asked with a pointed tone. That was gonna be a party for the guys in Editing.

 

Demolition was _supposed_ to have been finished already, but the one wall in the living area that he wanted torn down was very much _not_ destroyed. “Have you guys forgotten what ‘open concept’ means?”

 

“Unfortunately,” one of the contractors hesitated, “this right here is a load-bearing wall, we can’t tear it down and create that open concept like you wanted.”

 

“Great,” Bucky walked a few steps away from them, his back turned. “This whole design hinged on an open concept and now!” He flailed his arms in frustration. “It’s _ruined_!”

 

“Actually,” another contractor spoke up, hesitating like the first, “If we created a threshold over here,” he gestured, “and a small window to view through here, it’ll still open up the space while keeping up the wall.”

 

Bucky turned his back, skeptical at the contractor’s suggestion. “You’re saying, that a threshold and a small window will fix our problems?” he asked.

 

“Uh, yeah.”

 

Bucky glared at the wall, imagining how the idea would turn out. He looked back at the contractors, causing them to flinch a little. “Okay, yeah that just might work. _But_ ,” he threatened, "if this doesn’t work, I’ll make damn sure you don’t work in this line of business again.”

 

_Yikes._

 

\---

 

**Stage Three: Bargaining**

 

“Sam, listen, I know a great guy that could take Pepper’s place on her show,” Bucky tried not to sound too desperate over the phone. “If you come back here, and she takes your place on the Dream Home, we can be back in business!” Needless to say, he failed in that mission.

 

“Bucky, chill out, I’m sure you’re doing fine over there without me,” Sam consoled on the other end. “The Dream Home’s turning out great, thanks for asking by the way.”

 

“I’m sorry, Sam, I’m just--” Bucky ran a hand through his hair, “things have been super stressful on this project. A load-bearing wall got in the way of my open concept, and it’s been raining the past few days, and none of the cabinets for the kitchen have been shipped yet. It’s a giant mess, Sam.”

 

“Relax, Bucky. That’s nothing we don’t already deal with on a regular basis. I know you can work through it.”

 

“You have too much faith in me.”

 

“You’ll be fine, okay? Listen, I gotta go, there’s a camera crew and they wanna film me narrating some of the progress on this build. I’ll be back sooner than you know it.”

 

“Okay,” Bucky said. “Just know that if you get tired of the Dream Home…”

 

“I’ll keep that in mind, I’ll talk to you soon!” And Sam hung up.

 

Bucky knew that there wasn’t anything that he could do about it, but dammit if he wasn’t gonna try.

 

\---

 

**Stage Four: Depression**

 

“I miss Sam.”

 

Bucky could finally admit it to himself. Only to himself, however. Holed up in the fancy-ass hotel room that the network was paying for.

 

He didn’t understand. He could go months at a time without Sam in the off season, how was another ten weeks killing him this much?

 

Then again, he wasn’t _planning_ on another soul-rending ten weeks without Sam. He was so excited to come back to that playful dynamic that they shared on and off the camera. He missed the little things; their trademark fist bump at the end of a successful flip, the way that Sam laughed when Bucky walked right into a terrible pun he had set up, that smug-ass yet adorable smirk when he didn’t want to tell Bucky that his idea was terrible, and...

 

Oh.

 

Oh.

 

Bucky groaned and folded himself in the hotel bed’s blankets. He didn’t want to deal with this right now, and besides, the open house on this house was in the morning. He needed to be well-rested.

 

(He wasn’t.)

 

\---

 

**Stage Five: Acceptance**

 

“Well, we made it!” Bucky said to the cameras, posed in front of the finished house. “It was a tough flip, especially without Sam, but we pulled it off!” “Tough” was an understatement, but oh well. “I got this place for $200,000. Renovations totaled at $85,000, and increased the value by $107,000. If this bad boy is sold at its market value, I’ll get a profit of $22,000!”

 

A few retakes of that narration, and they were done for the episode.

 

Bucky was on his way home now. He’d have a few weeks before the next house was to be started. 

 

With that last flip out of the way, he figured that he’d be okay without Sam if he had to start without him. Because Sam was right, he made it through, and he was fine.

 

Bucky’s phone rang as he pulled into his driveway. “Hello?” he answered without thinking to look at the caller id.

 

“You see the HGTV website lately?” It was Sam, and Bucky’s heart _certainly did not_ skip a beat at the realization.

 

“Hey, Sam! I haven’t though, I literally just finished that house. Without you.”

 

“Told you you’d be fine.” And dammit if Bucky couldn’t hear that smug-ass smirk of his. “But hey, I’ll just tell ya. The Dream Home is finished, and I don’t mean to brag, but it’s ah-mazing.”

 

Bucky tried not to sound too overjoyed at the news. “It’s done? So that means you’re coming back?” Needless to say, he failed in his mission. 

 

“Next week.”

 

“Oh, I’m so glad! But that gives me the perfect idea.”

 

“What’s that, B?”

 

“What if we started the next episode greeting you at the airport? I’m sure viewers would love that.”

 

“Sure,” Sam said, and then paused, as if waiting to say something.

 

“Just ‘sure?’”

 

“Yeah, yeah and… on that note if you wanted to be there when we do the whole giving away of the Dream Home I’d love to have you with me.”

 

Bucky was in his house now, but that didn’t stop him from hiding the blush that creeped across his face. “Samuel Wilson, are you asking me out on a date?”

 

“Don’t say that as if you _weren’t_ pining for me for the past three months,” Sam chuckled. “But yeah, yeah I am.”

 

\---

 

“Welcome to _House Flips by Wilson and Barnes_! Right now we’re in JFK waiting for my counterpart Sam to arrive. I’m so excited, he’s back you guys!”

 

Bucky didn’t care that it was stupid o’clock in the morning and he already waited an hour for Sam’s flight to come in, nor did he care that he got stopped for pictures and autographs like ten times already. He couldn’t help that his heart was pumping and his stomach was knotted nervously; this was the first time in forever that he was seeing Sam.

 

And when the announcement was called that Sam’s flight was landing, Bucky stood up and was vibrating with joy.

 

And then Sam was walking up, his carry-on rolling behind him and as soon as he walked through the arrival doors Bucky practically assaulted him with a bone-crushing hug.

 

Bucky didn’t care that the sound guys could hear the little whispers of “I missed you so much” that he breathed into Sam’s shirt. Or that he was doing this public where anyone could see him.

 

“I missed you too, B,” Sam choked out, “but can you maybe let me breathe again?”

 

“Oh, sorry,” and Bucky was off of him.

 

“Come on, you can help me carry my baggage,” Sam said, lightly caressing Bucky’s back.

 

Oh were the guys in Editing going to have a party with this.


	2. House Crashers with Steve Rogers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was lookin' forward to this chapter. The next one is a behind the scenes BEHIND THE SCENES of this chapter.
> 
> Thanks [The_LionHeart](http://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lionheart/pseuds/The_Lionheart) for betareading!
> 
> And thanks [captainafroelf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/captainafroelf/pseuds/captainafroelf) for letting Steve crash her house. :3c

Professional contractor Steve Rogers stakes out home improvement stores, searching for do-it--yourselfers who need a helping hand from a pro. What they don’t usually know is that he transforms simple home projects into a total home makeover. He does it all, in three days. And for free.

 

Steve always got a rise out of the overjoyed expressions of people when he offered his help to unsuspecting people just looking to get a simple tool or set of supplies for a small project. Sure, the whole thing was a shtick formulated by HGTV, but he couldn’t be happier with the impact he made on people’s lives. 

 

And he was about to do it here, in Philadelphia. A lovely black family of three, a husband, wife, and daughter, were shopping for garden supplies, because, according to the mother, “Our backyard just needs sprucing up.”

 

“Girl, ‘sprucing’ suggests that backyard had any life in the first place,” said the daughter. “It needs help beyond CPR; it needs full-on reconstructive surgery and a necromantic dance ritual.”

 

Steve could already tell that he was going to love crashing this house in particular.

 

“I like you,” he said after recovering from his fit of laughter. “What’s your name?”

 

The girl, small in stature, froze for a moment. “Uhhh, Kendra.”

 

“Well Kendra,” Steve said, clapping his hand onto her shoulder. “I think your expertise is exactly what I’ll need for this house crash. That is, if you guys will have me?”

 

Steve was invited in without a second thought. He followed the family home and then into their backyard, and-- oh damn Kendra was not even joking.

 

“Here’s where I go to bury my hopes and dreams,” Kendra joked, pointing at a dead patch of grass, and then moving to point at another corner of the yard, “here’s where my friends come teleport in at night and cause shenanigans while I’m tryna sleep-”

 

Kendra’s mother playfully shoved her. “You stop that, child.”

 

“Hold on, mom, I’m not done showing our guest around the yard! Anyways that ugly atrocity of a shed is where I pray to the Norse Gods to strike my enemies with lighting.”

 

“Good that you know the place so well,” Steve commended, as he took in the rest of the yard. The gears were turning in his head as he thought of how to transform the backyard. “How’s your bathroom situation?”

 

A guided trip to the bathroom later, featuring more comedic commentary from Kendra, and Steve was ready to set his plan in motion. 

 

“Okay, I’m gonna call up some of my friends,” Steve explained just before he left, “and what I’m gonna need you guys to do is call up some of yours. Have them here tomorrow morning, and we can get this crash going!”

 

And the next morning both Steve and Kendra’s family had their arsenals ready. Steve employed the help of WX Contracting Company, spearheaded by Logan Howlett. He always called upon these guys to help with his house crashes whenever he was in the New England area, because the crew always did astounding work. Logan took his motto of being “the best there is at what we do,” to heart. He never did anything half-assed or half-way. It was part of the reason Steve held such admiration and respect for Logan. 

 

And… as far as admiration went… well. Steve had a hard time admitting to himself that he was pining, and pining hard. However, he didn’t let his gaze linger too hard on Logan next to him when the camera crews were ready to roll. Instead, he revved everyone up, inspiring them through a pre-demolition hype session.

 

“Grab a hammer, and let’s go!” he shouted. And the demolition of the bathroom and backyard were underway.

 

Now, the demolitions always looked exciting and easy in the montages, but that was the power of editing. Demolition was in reality, a delicate process, that involved a lot of preparation. Possessions had to be moved and stored, lines had to be drawn on where exactly to swing hammers and pull weeds. Before any of that could be done, Steve had to share his plans with his clients. But none of that made for exciting TV.

 

The demolition phase was complete just as the afternoon arrived.

 

“Alright, so I’m gonna give you guys some very important tasks,” Steve announced. It was very important for these “crashing” shows on HGTV that the families were a part of the renovation process. Steve’s plan was for this family to mainly be involved in the backyard, as it was larger, and he could lead the process more effectively from outside while Logan handled the bathroom from inside. “We’re gonna give you that garden to ‘spruce’ things up like you mentioned, but to make things ten times better we’re gonna add a pond!”

 

“Where’s the pond gonna go?” Kendra asked.

 

“Right over here,” Steve said, pointing. “Where you mentioned your friends teleport in at night and ‘cause some shenanigans while you’re sleeping,’ if I recall correctly?”

 

After a shared laugh, Steve had them all start on digging the necessary trench for the pond, which would be lined with flexible liner. He started work on building a new, better-looking shed, equipped with storage units for gardening supplies.

 

And at some point Steve must have gotten lost in that process, because he quickly built the structure, and was surprised by a tap on the shoulder by Kendra, who informed him that the trench was finished. He pulled his safety goggles up from over his eyes, and called someone from the crew to put walls and a roof up on the shed.

 

“Hey Steve,” called Logan from behind, before Steve could delegate a new set of tasks to the family. “The producers are gettin’ lunch, what do ya wanna eat?”

 

Steve pushed aside his immediate mental response before asking, “Where are they going?”

 

“Panera.”

 

Steve opted for some soup, and tried not to eye an already sweaty Logan up and down while Kendra shared what she wanted. And then Logan was gone, and Steve could snap back to reality.

 

“Here, while we’re waiting on food, I’ll get you and your family started on arranging some rocks in your garden!”

 

\---

 

Day One was over, and a good chunk of the work was already complete. Day Two was going to be hellish, however, because Day Two was always focused on the finer details.

 

Steve had assigned the family their homework (finish spray sprainting the custom-built furniture and seal the deck) before calling it a day and retiring to his hotel. 

 

He stripped and stepped into the shower, cleansing himself of the sweat and dirt from the day’s activities. He made sure to really scrub his face wash into his beard, and tried not to linger too hard on his wishes that Logan could be in there with him.

 

Steve didn’t understand why he liked to torture himself like this. He never actively pursued Logan because he didn’t want to ruin a perfectly professional relationship. Not to mention Logan had a daughter to support, and he definitely didn’t want to step in the middle of that. He truly did enjoy Logan’s company when they worked, even if a lot of times they were spending the time away from each other because they had to lead projects in different parts of people's’ houses.

 

He tried kidding himself before; that he _couldn’t possibly be in love_ with Logan, but that was futile, and so he caved into himself.  
As he stepped out of the shower, he tried convincing himself that he’d be fine this weekend after the inevitable goodbye session that came with the completion of a house crash. But Steve knew that he could be, he was only kidding himself there, too. Deep down he _wanted_ to be selfish about this, but the better part of him always got in the way.

 

\---

 

Day Two was coming to a well-achieved close.

 

Storage had been installed in the shed, half of the plants in the garden were planted, and the furniture was set in place on the deck. In the bathroom, all that needed to be finished was the painting of the walls, which Steve could give as homework to the family.

 

He was checking in the bathroom to make sure all power tools had been cleaned out when Logan walked in. He tried not to look overjoyed at the unprompted arrival, but couldn’t help the wide smile that stretched across his face.

 

“Everything looks good in here,” Steve said, in more than one meaning of the word.

 

“Oh thank god,” Logan said, in jest. “If you said it looked like shit, I woulda had to tear down the whole thing down and started over.”

 

Steve chuckled. “No, really, everything does look good; just making sure that everything’s good to go for them to finish painting in here.”

 

“Good, good,” Logan replied, and looked downward, like he was hesitating to say something.

 

“Well, I’m gonna go tell them now and then head out to get as much shut-eye as I can before tomorrow,” Steve casually announced.

 

“Yeah, you do that,” Logan said, and he led Steve out of the bathroom.

 

\---

 

Day Three, more like Day Two-and-A-Half, because everything needed to get finished by the late afternoon, when the sun was still out.

 

Everyone felt the time crunch; the water circulation system in the pond needed to be installed, the rest of the garden needed to be planted, mulch needed to be laid out and everything needed to be cleaned out and wiped down before the camera crew could get their after shots.

 

But, by god, they managed it, like always. Three days was plenty of time when you had a good crew behind you.  
Steve was in the bathroom, once again, inspecting the cleanliness of it carefully so that nothing could ruin the after shot of it. And then, he spotted Logan once again in his periphery as he was ready to come back out and give the camera crew the go-ahead.

 

“What’s up?” he asked, as he made his way to step out. But then Logan gently yet firmly pressed his palm into his chest, keeping him put.

 

“I was just wonderin’,” Logan started, and Steve nervously hitched a breath. “I mean, if you wanted to, after we wrap this up, we could go get drinks?”

 

“Us and the crew?” Steve asked. It wasn’t unusual for Steve to take his crew out to bar after a good crash. “Yeah, I don’t see why not.”

 

“I mean,” Logan leaned up on his toes, as Steve had a good several inches on him, “us minus the crew.”

 

“Us minus the cr--” and Steve realized. Suddenly the proximity of the two of them was-- it was--

 

“Yeah,” Logan whispered. “I was hopin’ with how much you stare at me when we work together you’d ask first, but you’ve made not one single move, bub.”

 

Steve turned crimson. “Who said I was staring?”

 

“Subtlety is not your finest artform, Steve,” Logan teased.

 

“I mean-- I just-- I figured--”

 

Logan pressed a finger to Steve’s lips, shushing him. “We’ll work through the rest of that later, okay?” 

 

Steve just nodded. “Can we get out there and wrap the crash up? I don’t want to waste a single second now.”

 

Logan cracked a lewd smile. “Can I kiss ya first?”

 

Steve said nothing as he leant down to crash his lips into Logan’s. And this was-- yes. Yes could fully encapsulate what Steve felt. All that want, and denying himself built up to something worthwhile. And yes they would work through why Steve denied himself so long but for now… yes.

 

And what was supposed to be a kiss that lasted a few seconds, turned into something a bit more physical. Because they let themselves get a little lost in it, hands reaching up to each other’s faces and teeth playfully biting at lips. And Steve groaned a little into it, forcing himself to resist any other urges--

 

And then Logan pulled away, almost unceremoniously, but Steve understood because they really did need to finish things up and he was pretty sure he heard someone walking up to check on them and would that have been embarrassing. He could see the Buzzfeed headline on that one: “Hot House Crasher Caught Smooching His Contractor in Bathroom They Just Finished Renovating.”

 

He and Logan exchanged one final look, and finally walked out of the bathroom, getting into a different mental zone for the cameras. “Alright, everyone, let’s get the final shots!” he shouted.

 

And he knew that he would _actually_ be fine now, maybe more than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 7 of NaNo.Hell.
> 
> Shout out to me for not realizing that House Crashers isn't an HGTV show but a DIY show till after I wrote this RIP me but whatever they're both under the same programming company sooooooooo.
> 
> Also I wrote the first paragraph like the intro to the actual House Crashers intro except with Steve lmao
> 
>  
> 
> [Screech at me on Tumblr, I'll screech back within three to five business days.](http://blackmetalbuckybarnes.tumblr.com)


	3. House Crashers ft. Kendra Kendraaaaa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pure self indulgence on this one, once again featuring [captainafroelf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/captainafroelf/pseuds/captainafroelf). Some of the stuff mentioned in here is based in reality. :3c
> 
> Thanks again to [The_Lionheart](http://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lionheart/pseuds/The_Lionheart) for beta reading!

A non-comprehensive list of scenarios Kendra would have found probable when she left the house today:

 

The prediction for the expected heat death of the solar system was off by a few billion years and the sun would expand at a rate so exponential that the Earth would be swallowed by it before the next morning.  
Somehow, Pat Sajak and Steve Harvey would be in the same town and managed to get in a fist fight, and by the time she got home there would already be one thousand memes made about it.  
Getting caught in a mass blackout- as in, everyone in the country falling unconscious at the same time due to a secret government experiment gone wrong.

 

What she didn’t expect at all, however, was that she and her family would run into _Steve Rogers_ at Lowe’s and they’d end up getting a free home renovation.

 

Now, see, Kendra wasn’t the biggest fan of HGTV; she was more of a Food Network kind of person. However, she has seen an episode or two (okay it was a full marathon) of _House Crashers_ , and she was very aware of how attractive Steve Rogers was. And she may or may not have made posts about it. (And freaking Buzzfeed may or may not have cited her making said posts in an article dedicated to people’s admiration of Steve Rogers.)

 

It was all happening so fast. She practically led the guided tour of their backyard and bathroom and then Steve left their home and her mom and dad were making calls to friends and family asking for their help with the renovation for the weekend.

 

She took to her room after dinner and quite dramatically posted on Tumblr, “ **MUTUALS WHO’S ONLINE RIGHT NOW YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS SHIT.** ” She recruited the available friends into a Skype call, and could officially share the news.

 

“What the fuck is goin on in here on this day that you’re yelling on Tumblr?” one friend, Jordan, asked.

 

Kendra breathed deeply before calmly saying, “This is ranking as the second best way that the universe is murdering me right now.”

 

“Better than when I got Sebastian Stan to sing to you?” asked another friend, Simone.

 

“Girl, yeah,” Kendra said. “You know that show _House Crashers_?”

 

“Oh my GOD,” Jordan and Simone screeched.

 

“Wait, isn’t that host Steve the one you--” Jordan started, but Kendra cut them off.

 

“Yes, the exposure.” 

 

“Try to control yourself, girl,” Simone teased. “Don’t let that fine white boy devil magic get to ya.”

 

Kendra gasped in shock. “I know how to behave!”

 

Jordan and Simone just snickered.

 

\---

 

If Steve Rogers coming to her house was bad enough, the fact that he brought in a contracting company with a hot ass lead contractor was worse.

 

She recognized him-- Logan Howlett.

 

Dear Lord she was _not_ gonna survive this weekend.

 

\---

 

Self control was something Kendra was learning a lot about this weekend. It took every strength of her being not to ask Steve something like, “So do you fuck to Prince or?” Or mentioning that she had a friend who would thank Steve if he threw them across a football field.

 

\---

 

The crew was gone for the night, and Kendra and her family were finishing the assigned “homework” Steve had given them.

 

“You think Steve likes Prince?” she wondered aloud as she spray painted the deck furniture.

 

Her mom shrugged. “Why do you ask?”

 

“No reason!” Kendra squeaked out a little too quickly.

 

\---

 

**Kendra** : Not jumping to conclusions but  
 **Kendra** : I think there’s a slight possibility that there’s somethin goin on between Steve and his head contractor  
 **Jordan** : OMG WHAT  
 **Jordan** : binch receipts pls and thanks  
 **Jordan** : seriously what makes you say that omfg  
 **Jordan** : are there photos share with the class  
 **Jordan** : (im the class)  
 **Kendra** : you devilish imp  
 **Kendra** : go to church  
 **Jordan** : you first  
 **Kendra** : BUT ANYWAYS   
**Kendra** : they’ve been giving each other looks  
 **Kendra** : like the kinda looks I’ve been makin @ them but i’m 10x more discreet about  
 **Jordan** : G U R L  
 **Kendra** : I KNOW  
 **Jordan** : brings out the popcorn  
 **Jordan** : can i hang out @ your place for the weekend

 

\---

 

It was the last day of the renovation. And Kendra was beyond sure now that there was something going on between Steve and Logan. Because they were still giving each other those looks.

 

And Steve just went into the bathroom to clean up… and Logan just followed him in there.

 

Kendra was sure she was over-reacting. After all, people look at each other all the time. And Logan might just be grabbing Steve to finish the final shots for the show.

 

...And then again one can _never_ be too sure of anything.

 

She quietly snuck her way down the hallway, and lightly pressed her back to the way.

 

“Us minus the cr--” she heard Steve say.

 

“Yeah,” Logan whispered. “I was hopin’ with how much you stare at me when we work together you’d ask first, but you’ve made not one single move, bub.” She covered her mouth in shock. This was taking a turn.

 

She heard Steve stutter and then, “Subtlety is not your finest artform, Steve.”

 

Those signals she was picking up _were_ right then. Oh damn oh damn oh damn.

 

More stuttering from Steve and then, “We’ll work through the rest of that later, okay?” Of all the places for this to be unfolding it had to be her own house, her place of living. Kendra wondered if this was a blessing or a curse from the universe.

 

She was doing her best _not_ to scream with her mouth closed and then, “Can I kiss ya first?”

 

OH GOD. She’d just been eavesdropping and _now_ she felt the need to get a look.

 

She slowly turned to the bathroom door. The door was a little closed so she had to look through the crack andohgodtheyweremakingout.

 

This was happening in her bathroom and she knew that she should not have witnessed this, it was too much for her mortal vessel to contain. She quickly turned back down the hall, pretending she didn’t see a thing.

 

\---

 

“Okay so I was _definitely_ right about what I said about Steve,” Kendra said, shaken by the words she was saying. “And his contractor.”

 

“Why, were they droppin’ trou and christening your garden’s brand-new bushes?” Jordan asked.

 

“No…. BUTTHEYWERESUCKINFACEINMYNEWBATHROOM.”

 

“WHAT?” Simone and Jordan chorused.

 

“This’ll be valuable information for Buzzfeed, later on, girl,” Simone cackled.

 

“Buzzfeed can drown, I can live without the spotlight on me,” Kendra said. “Are you seriously eatin’ popcorn as I’m tellin’ y’all this?”

 

“...maybe,” Simone and Jordan once again chorused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Day 7 writing shenanigans of NaNo.hell.
> 
> [Screech at me on Tumblr, I'll be sure to screech back within three to five business days.](http://blackmetalbuckybarnes.tumblr.com)


	4. House Hunters, narrated by Natasha Romanov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks [The_LionHeart](http://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lionheart/pseuds/The_Lionheart) for betareading!

Natasha Romanova had a bounce in her step as she walked out of the Scripps Networks studio.

 

A successful audition and callback led to her becoming the new narrator for HGTV’s _House Hunters_. Natasha could see the opportunities unfold before her eyes just from the prospect of this one gig.

 

She jumped giddily into her car and fumbled to grab her phone from her pockets, her hands shaking from the excitement. She dialed her aunt, bouncing in her seat.

 

“Natalia?” was the answer of a thick Russian accent on the other end.

 

“Tsotya?” Nat replied, her own accent immediately thickening. “I have amazing news!”

 

“Oh little poppy, did you?”

 

“I did it, tsotya!” Nat squealed. “I got the job! And I start Monday!”

 

“I’m so proud of you, my little poppy. Your mama and papa would be, too. So, so proud.”

 

Joyful tears crawled down Nat’s cheeks at the praise. This would open up worlds of opportunity for her, she felt it in her bones.

 

\---

 

Whatever optimism Natasha held about this job in the five years she’d been working it was replaced a contempt so potent that one could rub a cheese grater on it and use the shavings to season a cornish hen of hatred.

 

The job did open up other voice over opportunities, and that wasn’t why she hated it. The people she worked with everyday were okay, and again, that wasn’t why she hated it.

 

Being the trademark voice of _House Hunters_ , _House Hunters International_ , and a few other bits and pieces of HGTV meant that the scripts were pretty much the same every single time. It wouldn’t be so bad, though, if the people on the shows she narrated weren’t so damn **insufferable**.

 

She dreaded watching the episodes she had to narrate, because more often than not it involved people that were utterly clueless about real estate, people who were too damn stubborn about what they wanted, or a migraine-inducing mix of both. 

 

She briefly considered that maybe she thought this way because of cultural differences. After all, she was a Russian-born immigrant raised by her aunt deep in the heart of New York City. But, no, even cultural differences couldn’t begin to explain why her blood boiled every time she had to see someone looking for a house in Los Angeles for $300,000 wanting all the amenities complain about everything that they’re looking at being “over budget.” Like, this could not be normal!

 

Ever since she started writing her own scripts for _House Hunters_ , she would always start with writing a version laced with her true feelings. She would make a more “audience friendly” version afterwards, but she held on to her original scripts, because they helped her with vocal warm-ups and sound checks.

 

And how the sound crew got a kick out of it every time.

 

“House One was too close to the Puerto Rican neighborhoods for Stephanie, because Stephanie’s a fucking racist,” she narrated one day, obviously from the warm-up script. “Realtor Ben Batch hopes this next house will fit her white supremacist comfort zone. This house is all white all over, with 3 bedrooms, two and a half bathrooms, two stories, and two car garage, and it’s listed at $500,000, $50,000 over her budget!”

 

“Good warm-up sesh,” the board operator, Alex, cackled.

 

“Hold on, I’m not done yet,” Natasha said. “Well maybe if Stephanie learned some fucking tolerance she could afford the house of her dreams!”

 

“Okay Nat--”

 

“Seriously, viewers, never trust a bitch named Stephanie. Never.”

 

Alex waited a moment.

 

“I’m done now.”

 

“Good, let’s get to the actual recording,” Alex said, twisting a few knobs, and then pressing the record button. The actual script revised Nat’s contempt for Stephanie’s racism for “a wish to be more isolated and not so in the city.” Oh how Nat loathed Stephanie.

 

But the recording session went off without a hitch otherwise. 

 

Natasha bid Alex and the rest of the crew goodbye until tomorrow, and made her way down to the bar. This was the favorite part of her week.

 

“Hey Sharon!” She called to the bartender and owner as she walked in.

 

A blonde head from behind the counter turned to Nat, and smiled brightly. “Hey!” she called back, sliding a beer on the counter to a patron. “How’s my favorite regular doing?”

 

“It’s Monday night,” Nat said, “so I’m ready for the week to be over, if you can imagine.”

 

Sharon laughed. “You want your usual?”

 

“Yes please!” And in practically no time Nat had a strawberry margarita in front of her. “Hey, can you switch the tv to HGTV? The new _House Hunters_ is on.”

 

Sharon fondly shook her head. “You are weirdly obsessed with that show, Nat.”

 

Natasha shrugged. “It’s my Monday-night thing, you know this.”

 

Someone took a seat next to Natasha at the counter. “My old nemesis,” he said.

 

“Hi Phil,” Nat greeted. “Ready to get your ass handed to you again?”

 

“Not this time!” he said. “I’ve got a good feeling about this week.”

 

“We’ll see about that.” Nat smirked. 

 

“Who else wants in on this?” Phil called to some other regulars.

 

The Monday night ritual at the Carter13 bar was for Nat and Phil to place wagers on the new episode of _House Hunters_. A lot of times other bar regulars got involved, but the main rvialry was between Nat and Phil. Too bad that the rivalry was pretty much one-sided on Phil’s side, as he didn’t know that Nat had the unfair advantage.

 

While Phil and any other unfortunate souls were engrossed in the new episode, Natasha used the time to cast sidelong glances at Sharon. 

 

Every week Nat told herself that she’d ask Sharon out and use her winnings for the date. But at the last minute she’d chicken out or get a little too drunk to function. It was funny; she could easily play matchmaker with her friends all day and push them to make a move somewhere. If she could do that for them then why couldn’t she do it for herself? She knew that Sharon was cute, single, and very bisexual. Why couldn’t she just--?

 

And then Sharon made eye contact with Nat and Nat realized she was staring. Oh shit.

 

“You want something else to drink?” Sharon asked.

 

Nat breathed a sigh of relief. “Shot of jack, please?”

 

“You’re drinking heavy duty tonight,” Sharon teased as she poured the shot.

 

“Testing my abilities.” Natasha smirked.

 

“I’d love to see how far your abilities go.” And Sharon winked.

 

Did she--?

 

Before Natasha could say anything, Sharon was already dealing with another order.  
\---

 

“Okay, they’re definitely getting House One,” Phil called boldly, slapping a twenty on the counter.

 

“Uh-uh,” called another patron. “Did you not see how in love they were with House Three? It’s gotta be House Three!” And a ten joined Phil’s twenty.

 

“Oh, totally House Three!” said another, and another ten fell into the pile.

 

“It’s House Two,” Natasha said, confidently flipping a twenty into the pile.

 

Everyone questioned her prediction.

 

“That one needs the most renovation!”

 

“It’s way out of the neighborhood that they want!”

 

“I’m sure that the number of bedrooms will make the biggest difference though,” Natasha explained. She recalled recording for this episode quite well; the original version of her script involved some complaints about the couple’s children _absolutely needing_ bedrooms of their own. _Damn goblins don’t know how to share apparently_ , she thought to herself. 

 

“I think I’ll also bet on House Two,” Sharon chimed in, throwing a twenty of her own into the pile. And Natasha did her best not to look too nervous.

 

“Have fun losing for the first time, Natasha,” Phil said as the show came back from commercial.

 

“Alcohol makes you cocky, Phil, don’t get too excited,” Natasha said, doing her best to act casual, ready for the inevitable.

 

\---

 

“So, what do you plan to do with your winnings?” Nat asked. It was closing time, and she was the last patron remaining in the bar as Sharon wiped the counter down.

 

“I dunno,” she shrugged with a smile. “What do you normally do with it?”

 

“Buy booze from you,” Nat said, and Sharon chuckled. “Whatever makes it to the end of the night I hoard away for a rainy day or something.”

 

Sharon came to rest her elbows on the counter in front of Natasha. “I’m not one to tell people how to spend their money. But…”

 

“But?”

 

The bartender leaned in close enough to make the hairs on the back of Natasha’s neck stand up. Did she just hitch a breath? Did her face feel a lot warmer suddenly?

 

“Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain,” Sharon said, “and I have the day off.” She smiled, and Natasha had to do her best to keep her composure.

 

“Well,” Natasha took a moment to swallow her anxiety, because this wasn’t how she imagined this moment to go down. “What did you have in mind?”

 

“We could go for coffee,” Sharon suggested, “and you could tell me all about what it’s like working for HGTV.” The smile on her face turned devilish.

 

Natasha froze. “I mean, uh--”

 

“It’s okay, Nat, I won’t tell,” and Sharon winked for the second time that night. “It’s just easier for me to figure out when I’m dispensing the booze and not consuming it.”

 

“I mean, sure that… that makes sense.”

 

“Plus it’s fun watching Phil get his ass kicked at this.” They shared a laugh.

 

“So… see you at Quicksilver’s tomorrow?” Natasha asked. 

 

“1:00 PM, don’t be late.”

 

And somewhere deep in the back of her mind, Natasha suddenly hated her job a little less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day asdlkjasdlakjd of Nano dot Hell. I'm not making it to 50,000 Words, but at the end of the month however much I do get to will be quite the accomplishment.
> 
>  
> 
> [Screech at me on Tumblr, I'll screech back within three to five business days.](http://blackmetalbuckybarnes.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> Day Five of Nano dot hell for me.
> 
>  
> 
> [Screech at me on Tumblr. I'll screech back in three to five business days. While you're waiting for the response, feel free to follow for the daily word counts of agony for all of November.](http://blackmetalbuckybarnes.tumblr.com)


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